you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
