It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
