So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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