she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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