final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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