Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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