I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
