it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I could make wine with my vomit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
