i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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