The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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