I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You are the jesus of drinking
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
please don't ironically join a cult
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