This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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