There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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