On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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