Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Randomize
