I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
