I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
