I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
