So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
