I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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