ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Randomize
