I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
