I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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