we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
