Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize