On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize