3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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