He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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