Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
