They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
