I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
