Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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