Can Purell be used as lube?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
