my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
