maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
