When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
