ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
