I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
