He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
