twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize