I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
