Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
