Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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