a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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