just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
