I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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