In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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