I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
