Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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