Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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