Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
