It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
