I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
