Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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