I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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