Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
