i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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