jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just had sex on a roof
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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