I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
