She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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