There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I use my feet as sexual weapons
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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