you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
