We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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