After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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