At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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