my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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